It’s Only Noon

  • Wake up to Norah closing door loudly as she bounds out of her room, 6:45 am (seeing as my alarm hasn’t gone off).
  • Snuggle Norah as she climbs into bed.
  • Roll over groggily as Norah turns off 7:00 am alarm then proceeds to shanghai my phone as she lies in bed next to me.
  • Type in passcode as Norah brandishes the blindingly bright iphone in my face saying “number!”
  • Eventually roll out of bed and drag myself into the girls’ room. Open blinds, find Gwyneth in the pile of blankets, wake her up gently with a disgustingly sweet sing-song call.
  • Open my drawer to find fresh clothes, only to realize they’re in the dryer. Walk into laundry room to see the green light flashing “done” on the washer, wondering wtf that load is. Find an empty laundry basket after maneuvering past one full of clean, unfolded children’s clothes and one full of dirty towels. Take girls’ laundry basket to girls’ room, then empty out dryer while trying to find clean things for myself.
  • Take wet laundry from washer, while solving the mystery. Immediately get grossed out when I realize it’s a load of puke clothes from Jake. Run clean washer cycle.
  • Shout at 6 year old who is still not out of bed yet is somehow barking requests from it.
  • Get myself dressed.
  • Fold and put away children’s laundry basket full of clothes while discussing things with the 6 year old (don’t ask what things, I have no clue, all I know is that she still wasn’t dressed by the time I was finished folding and putting away an entire load of laundry).
  • Threateningly set a timer for 3 minutes.
  • Go downstairs.
  • Come back upstairs brandishing loud timer that is now going off.
  • Pour bowls of cereal. Add milk.
  • Begin unloading dishwasher. Freak out and make Gywneth’s lunch. Open fridge to get bread, realize it’s frozen. Momentarily feel ridiculously angry you didn’t buy the non-frozen loaf that Costco had yesterday and take out frozen loaf. Separate two pieces and pop them in the toaster.
  • Brew fucking coffee.
  • Finish packing lunch, make sure the smoothie thing you just bought from Costco is perfectly packed in between two slippery ice packs, per Gwyneth’s request. Set lunch box and water bottle on table asking the 6 year old who is now cuddling her unicorn and new blanket on the couch if she packed her backpack.
  • Pour Norah another bowl of cereal after she freaks out since I proactively cleared her bowl from table.
  • Finally herd Gwyneth up to bathroom where I get her toothpaste on her toothbrush and manage to re-do her ponytails with minimal whining.
  • Hear the bonk of Norah’s head on the door knob of bathroom as she squeezes past.
  • Flush toilet when I realize Norah thinks this is the perfect time to lay a turd in the bathroom.
  • Sit back in awe as I wipe the eye boogers and filth from Gwyneth’s face, wondering how it’s that dirty when all she did was eat a bowl of cereal.
  • Lecture Gwyneth on getting her shoes and jacket on while looking in the mirror for the first time only to realize I look like Patrick Swayze and have neither shoes nor socks on. Put on beanie while putting on giant furry snow boots.
  • Walk to the bus stop. Interact with fellow mother. Walk back home.
  • Turn on upbeat music in hopes that maybe it’ll really get your mojo going to do something. Anything.
  • Begin unloading dishwasher.
  • Begin drawing elaborate Trolls quote design on chalkboard after erasing yesterday’s. Yesterday’s “make today awesome” design is suddenly grating on my nerves.
  • Laugh with Norah as you both share an amazing moment of creating on the chalkboard together.
  • Become bored after drawing an adorable Poppy troll and Cloud Guy with your quote. Move on to finding the correct letters for lightbox, because you’ve just had a stroke of genius.
  • Commiserate with  Norah as she becomes upset that you’re no longer having fun with her at the chalkboard.
  • Find correct letters for clever “RAIN RAIN GO AWAY” saying for lightbox.
  • Put letters in lightbox. Ponder if the currently storage system for lightbox letters is working.
  • Take dishes out of dishwasher. Decide to rearrange kitchen. Take out all jars, find lids and set them on counter. Move coffee mugs out to other cabinet.
  • Color with Norah until she starts covering your portion of the coloring book.
  • Take another dish out of dishwasher. Get exasperated at the project that your kitchen is.
  • Oh look! Jake’s awake! Ask him what he’d like for breakfast then cringe when he requests a fruit bowl. Just berries. Not even cut up.
  • Clean berries, place in bowl and deliver to husband on couch.
  • Suddenly acknowledge raging headache’s existence that didn’t go away with cup of coffee as hoped.
  • Disappear to use restroom while taking full advantage of alone time with a phone.
  • Take advil for pesky headache.
  • Return to find Jake and Norah watching cartoons. Join in and lie on couch. Whine about particular chemical smell coming from side table. Request Norah make me a cup of hot water and some cinnamon raisin bread.
  • Tell Jake you told her to move the chair to the counter so she can reach. And yes, you asked for hot water, not cold water as Norah pulls out a coffee mug.
  • Lie on couch while Jake and Norah bring cinnamon toast and hot water.
  • Tell “Norah” you wanted cream cheese, not butter.
  • Laugh as Norah brings you a slice of cheese. Eat cheese with cinnamon raisin bread and realize she’s a genius.
  • Text family general updates on life (angry rants) while 5 episodes of Super Why autoplay.
  • Interact with Norah as Jake pops upstairs to make a few quiet, sans children, phone calls.
  • Answer phone call. It’s the local hospice chapter returning an inquiry I placed last night via their website.
  • Discuss wtf Transitions Care is with the local hospice chapter coordinator. Panic when she asks where exactly we are right now. Like really panic and wonder wtf you’re looking for from these people.
  • Entertain Norah while having conversation. Worry about Norah’s overall well being while scheduling appointment and saying, “It’s ok if it’s not while she’s in preschool! She can watch a movie upstairs while we meet!”
  • Get off phone.
  • Draw Norah a bath. Review current phone calls with Jake as Norah takes a bath.
  • Push Jake to text his brother to set a date for his upcoming visit.
  • Get angry. Take shower. Blog.

If you’ll excuse me I’ve got a box of See’s Candies calling my name.

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